Day 1 of New Zealand, In Which My Movie Rights Are Severely Curtailed

Awesomeness that did not happen:
We did not arrive in New Zealand without a printed itinerary, resulting in our forced deportation back into Australia including immediately buying full price return plane tickets.

What did happen
The check-in person in Brisbane for Qantas warned us that this deportation would happen, and then she demanded that Lara go to a paid Internet station and print out an itinerary.  I came in from the bathroom and pulled out the same confirmation sheet that I had to show to another agent to prove that I had paid for an extra bag (they charge you much more if you don't book it online, but then the computer doesn't seem to write it down anywhere).

I then hid the sheet, never showing it to any government representative in New Zealand, waiting for them to cuff me and drag me away as I occupied New Zealand.  I don't know if they have a constitution, but it was going to be a memorable ride as they violated what rights I do have.

Well, thank you, Qantas lady, for building up the most exciting legal moment of my life, and then forcing me to watch it drift away, like a Kiwi in the wind.  I was going to sell the movie rights as Brokedown Palace 2: Prison Conditions Not So Bad as BDP1, But Still Accidentally Hilarious (working title). Qantas has been going downhill lately. Just recently there was a major stop to all flights because of work problems.  People were sleeping in airports.  And now employees can't print out an itinerary.

The New Zealanders were mostly concerned with rogue fruit and dirt.  They like foreign tourists, but they do not like our contaminants.  Many signs showed obtuse graphics of plants and resulting high dollar fines.  So we threw everything away.  We forgot the trail mix.  It was sitting on the luggage at the inspection station.  A NZ marine shouted, "We've got a live one. Fire in the hole!" as he hurtled toward the nuts and fruit with a cross between a sawed-off shotgun and a flame thrower in one hand a and a clipboard in the other.  The heat caused the halon sprinkler systems to fire off, filling the customs area full of gas.  We escaped with nothing more than the charred remains of a hiking snack.  There's a reason they don't sell it to you cooked, you know.

Okay, that didn't happen either.  Since Broke Down Palace involves drug mules, why not make me a trail mix mule in BDP2?  But they let us keep the trail mix, which again ruins the movie options.  It was not the droid they were looking for?  So what else didn't we have to throw away?  Oh, well.

There were some casualties in Australia, too.  The extra bag was not that big, so we pushed it to 23 kg each on four other suitcases.  When it hit 23.3kg (remember, they can't print an itinerary, so rounding doesn't work either), some stuff had to go.  Reusable shopping bags, our full tube of toothpaste, tea, a couple of spoons, a tupperware, some spices, two boxes of jello, saline solution, fish oil, Lara's giant merged gummy vitamin super-vita-ball,  and one box of pudding mix.  All of this hit the trash as we scrounged on the airport floor to account for the slight changes we had made in our bags after we last weighed.  Even before we left the house there were painful decisions. Out went  little things that you don't want to have to buy again, and sentimental things, like the years-old emergency backup underwear that had extended many a laundry cycle.  I think Garth said it best, “At first they're constricting, but then they become a part of you.”  So, yes, I left part of me in Australia, which, if Hervey Bay does not incinerate its trash, will be there for decades to come.

But we made it here fine, and we already have cell phone service (our US numbers goes through to NZ).   We want to stay connected with everyone.  And also, sometimes we want to be disconnected and discover different parts of the city until we are done and call each other (hint, if you get a cool gift from us, Daniel probably wasn't the one spending hours picking it out).  Internet access reminds me a little of our experience Italy right now.  There is one spot on the bed that works in the hostel room.  Stray just a little bit and it disconnects.

More will follow on Auckland, for the next couple of days, and then the rest of New Zealand.  Lara will of course be able to present more than just logistics.

The picture is of the sky needle, not the space needle, in Auckland.

Laundry and Humility in a Clothesline Country

I have not been defeated by the laundry in Australia, in the sense that even though it's a tropical environment, I still wear clothes here,  very consistently.  But I believe in tactical retreat - I will live to launder another day.

My future return may involve a second hand dryer, or a large toaster oven, a death ray turned on low, or some other technology to help me optimally get quick, soft  laundry.

Top 10 Things About Our Washing Machine and Clothesline vs a standard washing machine and dryer

• Save money
• Save carbon and other emissions
• No need to buy brillo pads - your towels are scratchy enough straight off the line
• Experience the fastest run of your life as you dash through the house to get the clothes off the line when you hear rain
• Experience the humbling power of clothes pins to lock onto clothes while you try to save them from getting wet
• Experience the joy of rewashing those rainy clothes
• Save money on fabric softener - it ain't going to be soft anyway
• Violate UN conventions and almost boil your clothes at 200 degrees F and then torture them at 13 rotations/sec
• Experience new found respect for past housemates who rejected the idea of building a clothesline to save the environment, lower costs, and annoy the home owner's association
• In metric, we've already reached ten, so we are at the end of the list.

I'm talking about first world problems here, but that's where I live.

Back home, laundry is my thing around the house.  I can't cook. Except in very limited circumstances, Lara doesn't want me to cook. I don't care enough to clean well or often enough.  I get lost in the grocery store and make multiple calls to make sure I'm getting the right thing, and then I still forget an item ("you put two items on the list on the same line - of course I didn't get one - the line was checked off when I got the first item").  My home improvements projects take longer than some pregnancies.  The ceiling fan was bought before Christmas and was barely in operation before the Summer heat began. A year later, one small part remains undone.  Yard work takes years as my grass seed scatters and my trees wither under the North Carolina sun. But once every few weeks, I can turn very large piles of our dirty clothes into large piles of clean clothes.  It is a predictable thing, and it can be done in huge batches, factory style.

Not so here.  There is no dryer, and there's only so much room on the line, so you have to plan in advance.  The washer has a digital display with confusing error codes that stop the wash, sometimes a few minutes after you step away, and you only discover the problem when returning three hours later (yes a full cycle can take three hours).  The front loading door locks when you start the wash, so there is no adding a last minute shirt or sock that was hiding in the bottom of the basket.  At 800 RPM, the spin cycle can shred old clothes (this is not theoretical in our case - some of my shorts are becoming chaps).  If the filter clogs (code oE I think), you have to clean it out at the bottom of the washer while leftover water gushes out of the front of the machine.

I am no longer competent at my thing.  I am slowly clawing my way back.  I have figured out the error codes and was able to avoid major machinery surgery when I found the filter.  I am trying new techniques to get the clothes less stiff. I may have some solutions by the time I leave.  But I will leave a humbled man. (I wrote this earlier.  As we leave a bit earlier than expected, I have moved to a state of acceptance, not mastery).

The above picture is a foot and a half of jeans that stand straight up, on their own.  Look carefully and you'll see that the jeans are not actually attached to the line.  Many times when you take the clothespins off, the clothes stay on the line.  Some stretchy clothes have spandex woven into them - ours behave as if they had built in Aqua Net.

We're heading home (after New Zealand)

Thank you for all of your letters, e-mails, blog comments, tweets, wuphs, and faxes.  The voice of the people has been heard!  We are coming home early.  We are starting New Zealand on Saturday instead of in 2 months.  That puts us back in the US before Christmas.

We've enjoyed our time here in Australia, especially the people we've met.  But things like hitting the kangaroo and a lack of Taco Bells and free refills are moving this part of the journey toward the French movie spectrum.  We've always been aiming for a trip more like Napoleon Dynamite.  Sometimes it's better to walk in the cold to watch Netflix with friends in Durham than it is to walk along a tropical beach in Australia.

So we are moving on to a month of moving around New Zealand to take in  a country, that short of Flight of the Conchordes and Lord of the Rings, we know even less about than Australia.

The International Global DanPark is arranging a parade for our return.  We will arrive in a stretch Prius, to be sensitive and stuff.  But since the Prius motor doesn't have enough power to do a stretch car, the Prius will have to be towed by a V10 diesel truck.  It will have an EPA bumper sticker to be sensitive. The minibar will be stocked entirely of ice cold Diet Coke with free refills.

Holiday and Home

House swapping means you get to experience a vacation and a new home.  You experience exotic tropical rain forests and exotic light bulbs, with B22 fittings instead of screws, to replace.
In the period of a week or two, we experienced Whitehaven Beach on Whitsunday island, with some of the purest sand in the world.  The sand doesn't even get hot in the sun, and there is no development on the island.
Here's a panorama view from my cheap not-so-i Phone:

Fuller view here

And then we get back to Hervey Bay, and while still within view of the Bay and majestic Fraser Island, there is a house and a lawn to be tended to.  So you get majestic pictures like this:

When you pack for several months in two suitcases, you leave out important things, like your old lawn shoes that can get dirty.  So I improvised and wrapped plastic bags around my only sneakers.  I was conscious about getting matching bags - who wants to be tacky in front of the neighbor's.  I'm still not used to the fumes of and sounds of a gas mower, but it has the power to get the job done.

our R's are not their R's

I know this language, really. So why am I translating it as I hear it?

As I explained to people about my e-mails, you don't have to read the whole e-mail or post.  I tried to put the most interesting stuff at the top.

It's not the phrases below are that difficult to figure out or remember.   The problem is that it takes an extra mental step compared to familiar phrases.  By the time you remember, even quickly, you have displayed a quizzical look or automatically asked, "Pardon?"  It makes you feel disconnected and reminded that you are a foreigner (far-nor as Sarah reminds me how I say it).  But sometimes it is fun, as you listen to completely different slang as a person tells a story.  And you hope context clues fill in the gaps.

We are so interconnected through entertainment and the Internet that you might think things would converge.  Germans say das T-shirt.  But still things are different, as any trip to Rhode Island will shake you silly and remind you that our R's are not their R's.  Some of these are certainly present in England and elsewhere.


no worries = your welcome (like de nada in Spanish).  As an anxious person, I sometimes feel indicted by this. "What do you mean?  There are millions of worries!"
no queuing across the intersection = don't block the box
speed limit = the speed the vast majority of people actually drive, as opposed to 5 to 9+ over in the US. This is to say that I haven't been tailgated as I drove at the posted speed.  They could have mobile speed cameras anywhere, so it pays to have cruise control.  I don't.
napkin = serviette. A napkin in Australia is a product that is featured in exciting commercials containing only women who are worrying about or empowered about not worrying about a product only women need. Ask the school nurse.  This one is difficult to change because I had never before said the word, "serviette."  For a man to ask for a napkin must be a little disturbing, even if they figure out what I actually mean.

present your card (displayed on credit card machines)= swipe your credit card. It does not mean you should actually immediately present the card to the cashier for signature verification, as you very often do because our credit cards don't have PINs.  There is an awkward pause as they wait for you to swipe your card and you wait for them to accept your card as you hold it there.  It would be even more awkward to explain to them what is going on in my head. I am slowly getting this one down.
mind the gap = don't trip into the space between the train and the platform. short but sweet.
torch = flashlight. This is distracting because it makes me envision the townspeople with torches aflame searching for Frankenstein and his monster.
sweet as = very sweet, ie, "That's sweet as," is not an incomplete sentence. Thanks to Lindsey for informing of this is in advance, so we didn't stare at people, waiting to hear the rest of what they were saying,  "Sweet as what?"
entree = appetizer .  We met Australians who reported a big surprise in the US when their entrees turned out to be huge.  This one needs to be worked out.
main = main dish (what we would call an entree)
hash sign = pound sign (#) Where do you usually use this?  On the phone to a call center, of course.  And after you enter your account number on your touch tone keypad and press #, as in America you often get transferred to a courteous but heavily accented representative in India, who is suspiciously named Dave.



give way sign = yield sign
runout = clearance sale
way out sign = exit sign
kilojoules = a different way of measuring calories. I'm not sure how it works.  We say Diet Coke has zero calories; they say it has a few kilojoules (rounding, I guess). Lara says kJ/4 = Calories.
drink driving = drunk driving.  I have been stopped twice for a breathalyzer test in random check points
whinging = whining as mothers tell their children no whinging, pronouced win-jing.  Personally, I constructively and emotionally criticize my current situation - it's not whinging, or something.

RSL club = VFW with a lot of money funded by in-house gambling and liquor stores. These are a big business with huge clubs all over.
trolley = cart. This distracts me because I'm thinking about antique buses instead of saying yes, I need a cart for my luggage
the states = America.  It's just so awkward to say.  People are polite and ask if you are from here (so as not to say, "you aren't from around here, are you?"), but they have to know immediately from the accent that we are part of a different English-speaking country. So I don't know if I should say North Carolina, or America, or maybe even Washington, DC (my birthplace, which is a place people would actually know of).  One person responded, "North Carolina, that where WWE [wrestling] is from." Another recognized Duke University because a lot of Methodist Filipino ministers went there for seminary.  So you never know what people will be familiar with. But at home, I have never said, "here in the States...."  It's America or 'Mer-ka.


Oz = Australia.  It's in the blog, but still I have no experience saying that word this side of a house-smashed dead witch.
nappy = diaper  This term could be deemed racist in the US (remember that radio guy who got fired), so I'm glad I don't have kids. I would know what it means, but it could still feel uncomfortable.
tyre = spelling of tire.  No big deal, but why is this different?
kerb = spelling of curb

bell peppers = capsicums. Okay now it seems like they are just making stuff up.
raisins = sultanas
tomato sauce = ketchup.  You don't have to keep it in the fridge.
tax invoice = receipt
takeaway = takeout
tick = check mark
ground beef = beef mince
toilet=restroom. This is just a bit difficult because "toilet" in American conversation is certainly not vulgar, but it's not as polite as restroom or bathroom, which is what I usually ask for, and it confuses some people here.

Lies, Lies, and Well Maybe One or Two Lies In Toto

In the words of a great poet,

Stop what you're doin'
because I'm about to ruin
the image and the style that you're used to

The self-evident truths we all know about Australia are not turning out to be so true!

What is more Australian, as far as Americans know, than "Throw another shrimp on the Barbie?"  This phrase was actually spread to Americans by the Australia Tourism Commission via a commercial starring Paul Hogan. The commercial was actually conceived before he was famous. It is probably one of the most successful self-stereotyping efforts in history.  We can only hold so many thoughts about foreign lands, and the shrimp shot to the top for our memory slots for Australia.  I can only think of South Central Los Angeles' "Go ahead, visit, fool! We'll put another cap in your ***" as getting across a message so effectively.

However, Australians call shrimps prawns.  So they would throw another prawn on the barbie.  They probably did a little research and discovered that prawns didn't excite the American public.  So they laughed all the way to the bank as they fed us their lies.

I watched a lot of MTV news in my formative years.  And The Comedy Channel news.  And CNN, when wars were on.  And the President, when he interrupted prime time.  And many very speical episodes and "The More You Know"s. And nobody ever mentioned this.  They were complicit in our mis-education. The lies stop now.  Start throwing prawns!

So I bring us back to the poet, with a slight twist of his words.

I sound funny
but yo I'm makin' money see
so yo world I hope you're ready for me.

"Shrimp on the barbie" made the world ready for Australia.  It's about more than money, I suppose.  It's about luring people to the other side of the world for their own good.  But still, part of you dies when a lie is told(1).

Actually the truth has been out there in the public for a while. It's been a secret out in the open, like how they make iPods out of soylent green at Area 51 (2).  See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shrimp_on_the_barbie .


The barbie part is definitely true, with slang like brekky (breakfast) and footy (Australian rules football) running rampant. To the untrained ear, it sounds cutesy sometimes, like I'm going to the potty.  

Speaking of which, the other self evident truth, that toilets flush backwards is still as murky as a rest area bathroom 100 km away from nowhere, in the bush in South Australia.

The water just goes down.   The toilets which I have investigated here don't use the traditional American floating flap system(3).   Here, it's more of an up and down valve.  To mix some metaphors, Justin Bieber's hair kind of swirls.  A Marine's hair just goes up and down (in the most deadly manner possible).  These are Marine toilets here.  I don't know how much water they use, but it flows like a jet engine, born of a country that knows the energy of crashing surf.  More investigations to come.


(1)This is itself a lie.  There's of course the whole Nazi asking you about Anne Frank exception and all that.
(2)Don't forget to stop by the cafeteria when you take the Area 51 tour.  They can throw another soylent green on barbie with the best of them. People who say "soylent green is people!" haven't tasted it.
(3) If you don't know what I'm talking about, open the top of your toilet.  Don't worry.  The water at the top is perfectly clean.  Look around. Fix leaks. Buy a new, water efficient one at the Durham Costco: $92, with a $100 water credit from the city.  You have to destroy the old one, which is easily done when you store it wrong in your garage, you know, theoretically.

dc

My Pre-course Test: What Do I Know Already?

I defy Mark Twain, open my mouth, and brag of my ignorance.

This is what I already knew about Australia, before any research.  I think I will fail any sort of reasonable test.  When I went from Virginia to Oklahoma for college, I had to look at the map to remember where Oklahoma was.  It was just out of my consciousness.  Australia is harder to miss on the map, but it doesn't get mentioned everyday.



General Knowledge

• The Outback
• Sydney Opera House
• Kangaroos
• It was peopled entirely from criminals. I'm obviously not claiming quality nor quantity of information. 
• They were very important during the war (WWII) and the moon landing (satellite transmitters).
• Toilets there flush backwards.

People

• That girl that used to be married to that guy from Mission Impossible
• That animal guy
• There are others, but since I can't distinguish a British from an Irish from an Australian accent, I wouldn't know for sure.

The Arts

• Crocodile Dundee
• On The Beach. This a book about Australia awaiting a nuclear winter. I don't know why I read it in high school.  It was good but didn't have a happy ending. 
• Australia the movie, with the Mission Impossible girl
• The Band Midnight Oil (see Beds Are Burning. Really see it - it's a good song and video) 

 If Americans are honest, I think they would admit most of our knowledge of Australia is from Crocodile Dundee.  This is not all due to some great moral deficit.  We are blessed with a country that spans a continent.  Unlike Europeans, driving 4 hours does not put us in the middle of another culture and political system (excepting such differences as between North and South Carolina).  We don't have to know about other places to survive.

I still think it's a good idea, you know for peace, love, and understanding and yummy foreign foods.  So I hope I'll leave with a fuller picture of this place than one of a bunch of prett-much-Americans throwing another shrimp on the barbie.

I wrote this while on the plane.  I've already realized some things I need to do.
Todo list, item #1

Write a letter of complaint. Durham is not capitalized in the back of the Quantas in flight magazine. I have come to accept that it will always be an incorrect and misleading Raleigh hyphen Durham even though they don't do Dallas hyphen Fort Worth.  But Raleigh-durham is demeaning.  It's way overdoing it to really care at all. I mean, Cary doesn't have to worry about being named at all - they have the power and money, so they don't have to care about it being Cary-Raleigh-Durham. But one capitalization doesn't seem to be too much to ask for.too much for which to ask (Queen's English?).
-D